Bus Etiquette

Some say that I’m from the old school, and thus have a skewed view point on traditional values. However I’m yet to meet an individual who disagrees with me on these most pressing of issues.

I’m talking of cause about the decline of bus etiquette. There was a time, the Peak if you will, in which an unspoken oath was upheld by all who travelled upon gods big red carriages. This was a glorious time, full of happy commuters, cheery old people, and the token smelly (yet always smiling) drunk!

Nower days however, not only do these stagecoaches no longer support the stunning red paint of the glamorous years, but the once sacred creed of the bus patron is no where to be seen.

The number of times I’ve seen a bunch of the chronologically challenged board the bus and have to stand, or worse, because some little miscreant can’t tear themselves away from their blatantly hugely important text messaging session, and allow the aged persons to relieve their weary bones of the burden that comes with standing up in a moving vehicle for 20 minutes.

It’s a scandal, what is also a scandal is the use of so called “personal” music devices… if these devices are as the statement infers and designed to be personal, then why does the entire bus have to be participants in Amy Winehouse’s latest dabble in Rehab. I’m not opposed to people tuning into their brain rechargers to help pass the time between embarkation and disembarkation, if anything it helps to keep them off their sodding mobile phones!

Which neatly brings me to my next point. Do I, as either a sleepy pre-work zombie or a tired post-work grump care the slightest what Donna or Sharon got up to last night? (I think not!) Could the prospect of a party round “Bez’s” at the weekend interest me? (Potentially, if that party includes a round of charades, a nice cheese board, and a collection of slides portraying coastal erosion on the southern most coast of Borneo. Unlikely though, given “Bez’s” apparent affliction with “Doing gear, and hurling up chunks in the corner all night”… so the cheese boards probably out then?!?!)

My point isn’t that any of what these people are doing is actually wrong (except may-be the big intoxicated baldy who sits there picking his nose and flicking it at passers by… that’s got to be wrong!) My point is that this is a fine depiction of the demise that society has seen over recent years. It can all be brought down to a lack of one vital element that makes us who we are as human beings; there is a distinct lack of respect for our fellow man. This my friends, needs addressing with utmost urgency.

Annoying Chain E-Mails

OK, so when it comes to writing a whole bunch of random ramblings about nothing much, I'm no saint. But it fails even myself how these so called "chain e-mailings" can get started... I'm obviously referring to the ones that ask us to say weather certain items are currently residing on your desk, or weather you prefer Red or Blue. After deeply investigating the higher conscience of my inner Ian, these FBI-type emails then make the outrageous claim that if i was to commit the most heinous of crimes and not send this precious document on to 15 other people then i will suffer 5 years of totally unbearable bad look... Seriously? By not sending this email to 15 people i will never get a promotion? Never be happy in love? Never win the lottery? Never find a family of four leaf clovers growing on my compost heap? Are you saying that if i sever the centuries long dynasty this chain stands for, a chain that has survive the test of history and lasted the full length and breadth of time and space itself... if i don't resend this email, then when i finally reach the end of the rainbow there WON'T be a pot of gold!?!?!

I'm personally not a superstitious person, but i can accept other people being faithful to forces we humble humans cannot quite comprehend. However i fail to fathom how anyone can believe that a little chap sitting in a dark room somewhere in Arizona, with a can of Diet Caffeine-Free Coca Cola Zero in one hand, and a copy of the 1973 Playboy Annual in the other, can summon up the immense power to directly interfere with how my life will pan out over the next few years!

Please correct me if there's any scientific evidence to back up this threat to my well being, or if anyone has in fact had a shocking couple of years and can trace it back to the regretable day they foolishly ignored the warnings and failed to forward on one of these intrusive chain e-mails.

My Letter to a Certain Local Cinema

Ok, so I'm possibly not the most positive person in the world, and yes it has been said that at times i get a little over the top with the negativity towards the seemingly negligible issues i stumble upon. But this current irritation of mine has now become such a major thing about which i whinge that i felt compelled to write a letter to the offending parties. However, before i take the leap from moaning pessimist to complaining areshole i felt i should check with all who care (and the majority that don't) as to whether you believe my quarrel is just and that it deserves the stampage (currently an astronomical 30p, but that's for another day!) required to deliver it to it's intended recipient! So here you go:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sir/Madam,

My name is Ian Robinson, I'm 20 years old and working in a local building society (not a bank... there are subtle differences, even if I'm still looking for them myself!) I like to attend your visual entertainment emporium on an irregular basis whenever i spy a video film which takes my fancy.

The question i pose to your good self on this fine day is thus, under which category in your "Something for Everyone" campaign does a simple 9-5 guy like my good self fit into?

To elaborate, just in case the focus and nature of the campaign has slipped your mind, being so busy and all. You promise to have something for "everyone" and the categories you assume "everyone" could slot into somewhere or other are: Senior, Kids, Newbies, and Director's Chair.
But where, i ask you, does the humble working man fit in?

Unfortunately i pay full bus fair and therefore am not a "Mature Guest" as your website describes the Seniors section. I would however appreciate the free tea and coffee on offer to these most privileged of persons, but as the showings are mid-morning i would be unable to make a caffeine pilgrimage in the middle of a working day!

The Newbies and Kids sections aren't overly relevant either unless i was able to commandeer some young person to pass off as my child. The aforementioned Kids promotion doesn't mention any specific ages, so i was wondering if i was to bring along a decidedly slow friend of mine with a dangerously low mental age could we partake in the "frolics and fun at pocket money prices"?

So the last glimpse of something i could take from this campaign of yours is the Director's Chair showings, but unless watching Anchorman and Old School over and over again makes me a "true film fanatic" then I'm not going to be feeling any vibe from your selection of art-house, independent, and foreign language cinematography!

And back to my original question, what does a fine establishment like yours offer to people like me under your outrageous claim to be able to offer "Something for Everyone"?

On behalf of all in my position (and i know of at least 3 others like me!) i excitedly await your response.

Kind Regards,

Ian Robinson Esq.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Aren't buses rubbish?

I got on today and asked for my regular "Frio" pass (which in itself is depressing as it's an admission to partaking in at least another 13 journeys aboard one of Trent's finest, and that's not a euphemism!) Only to be told by the lovely, friendly and definitely not suicidal autobus pilot that the already extortionate price of 18 shiny English pounds has been raised to a nosebleed inducing 19 somewhat dull English pound coins!

So now I'm paying more for a service that rarely turns up on time (if at all!), is often full up with scary "fragrant" non-locals, and which boasts the smallest amount of leg room per seat physically possible before you would have to start inverting peoples legs into their chests. Sound fair to you? Nope, thought not! Therefore i have started a protest movement, but as i still require this mode of transportation for logistical reasons, I'm going to start my revolution from the inside out. I will continue to get the buses to and from town when required, but i won't enjoy it and to show these most heinous of highwaymen what for, i have decided that as of now i will no longer move back up the bus when requested to! Ha!

This will cause a backlog in the drivers direct "cab" area and he will develop a severe bout of claustrophobia and resign from active duty, this will in turn cause chaos as people complain about the lack of bus services. I will resume my responsibility to "shuffty" down the bus only when the company agree to level the playing field. I understand there will be a period of disruption incurred but as the saying goes, there's no pain without gain!

No but seriously, bus are pretty rubbish at the moment, they rock up when they want to and charge astronomical prices... not impressed!

It's not the beginning of the end, it's the end of the beginning...

And so it begins, i always said i wouldn't start blogging until i either had something to blog about or was so unbelievably awesome and famous that people would read whatever i wrote up anyway, regardless of what the content was!

Since neither of those seem likely to happen anytime soon i figured i should make the courageous leap onto the speeding band wagon and join the millions of other people already keeping pointless online logs of just about anything and everything.

Firstly let me make you aware of my situation, just so you know what you're getting yourself into by engaging in reading this little snippet of my life. I currently work in a building society spending my days taking money out of peoples accounts (usually at their request) and periodically, if it's an exciting day, putting money back into peoples accounts. Now i know what you're thinking, and no it's not as thrilling as it sounds! You may find this hard to believe but we don't find having the same conversation with every ageing customer entertaining, and the generic "comical" responses they come up with are neither clever nor witty.

- After giving the customer the amount of money they requested, a classic comeback from these genius' of stand-up, is "Only Just".... yep, like they expect to get a free tenner for being the 63rd customer that day to ask for £150 in £10 notes.
- Or another gem being when we ask if there's anything else we can do for them after completing their transaction, and they go "not unless you've got any freebies!".... ha de bloody ha.

And you wonder why investment bankers have a high suicide rate, it's nothing to do with the pressure of working with large sums of money (i saw a £50 note the other week and i managed to not get a nose bleed!). Nope, it's the fact that these people have to listen to really wealthy "funny" people making the same one liner jokes day in, day out, every day, all day....

However, other than sitting behind a desk counting the number of paper cuts accumulated on one finger and deciding which crispy note (and that's not a Chinese dish) gives the straightest slice line, i do get out and do other things to keep myself active and in sound of mind. The other day i was totally crazy and adventurous and actually wore odd socks! But not just "odd" socks, but ones with patterns on and everything!

This is a mad world we live in.

Anyway, i best be off, I've some paint to watch dry, and depending on the outcome i might venture into the garden and peruse some grass growing!

Keep in touch and hopefully next time i write I'll have something worth writing about... but if not I've got a lovely stuffed mole i could describe to you all in minute detail.

Ta ta