Thursday, 5 April 2007

My Letter to a Certain Local Cinema

Ok, so I'm possibly not the most positive person in the world, and yes it has been said that at times i get a little over the top with the negativity towards the seemingly negligible issues i stumble upon. But this current irritation of mine has now become such a major thing about which i whinge that i felt compelled to write a letter to the offending parties. However, before i take the leap from moaning pessimist to complaining areshole i felt i should check with all who care (and the majority that don't) as to whether you believe my quarrel is just and that it deserves the stampage (currently an astronomical 30p, but that's for another day!) required to deliver it to it's intended recipient! So here you go:


Dear Sir/Madam,

My name is Ian Robinson, I'm 20 years old and working in a local building society (not a bank... there are subtle differences, even if I'm still looking for them myself!) I like to attend your visual entertainment emporium on an irregular basis whenever i spy a video film which takes my fancy.

The question i pose to your good self on this fine day is thus, under which category in your "Something for Everyone" campaign does a simple 9-5 guy like my good self fit into?

To elaborate, just in case the focus and nature of the campaign has slipped your mind, being so busy and all. You promise to have something for "everyone" and the categories you assume "everyone" could slot into somewhere or other are: Senior, Kids, Newbies, and Director's Chair.
But where, i ask you, does the humble working man fit in?

Unfortunately i pay full bus fair and therefore am not a "Mature Guest" as your website describes the Seniors section. I would however appreciate the free tea and coffee on offer to these most privileged of persons, but as the showings are mid-morning i would be unable to make a caffeine pilgrimage in the middle of a working day!

The Newbies and Kids sections aren't overly relevant either unless i was able to commandeer some young person to pass off as my child. The aforementioned Kids promotion doesn't mention any specific ages, so i was wondering if i was to bring along a decidedly slow friend of mine with a dangerously low mental age could we partake in the "frolics and fun at pocket money prices"?

So the last glimpse of something i could take from this campaign of yours is the Director's Chair showings, but unless watching Anchorman and Old School over and over again makes me a "true film fanatic" then I'm not going to be feeling any vibe from your selection of art-house, independent, and foreign language cinematography!

And back to my original question, what does a fine establishment like yours offer to people like me under your outrageous claim to be able to offer "Something for Everyone"?

On behalf of all in my position (and i know of at least 3 others like me!) i excitedly await your response.

Kind Regards,

Ian Robinson Esq.



Jimmy Mc said...

Don't forget the outrageous six pounds to pay as well!!


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