Annoying Chain E-Mails

OK, so when it comes to writing a whole bunch of random ramblings about nothing much, I'm no saint. But it fails even myself how these so called "chain e-mailings" can get started... I'm obviously referring to the ones that ask us to say weather certain items are currently residing on your desk, or weather you prefer Red or Blue. After deeply investigating the higher conscience of my inner Ian, these FBI-type emails then make the outrageous claim that if i was to commit the most heinous of crimes and not send this precious document on to 15 other people then i will suffer 5 years of totally unbearable bad look... Seriously? By not sending this email to 15 people i will never get a promotion? Never be happy in love? Never win the lottery? Never find a family of four leaf clovers growing on my compost heap? Are you saying that if i sever the centuries long dynasty this chain stands for, a chain that has survive the test of history and lasted the full length and breadth of time and space itself... if i don't resend this email, then when i finally reach the end of the rainbow there WON'T be a pot of gold!?!?!

I'm personally not a superstitious person, but i can accept other people being faithful to forces we humble humans cannot quite comprehend. However i fail to fathom how anyone can believe that a little chap sitting in a dark room somewhere in Arizona, with a can of Diet Caffeine-Free Coca Cola Zero in one hand, and a copy of the 1973 Playboy Annual in the other, can summon up the immense power to directly interfere with how my life will pan out over the next few years!

Please correct me if there's any scientific evidence to back up this threat to my well being, or if anyone has in fact had a shocking couple of years and can trace it back to the regretable day they foolishly ignored the warnings and failed to forward on one of these intrusive chain e-mails.

My Letter to a Certain Local Cinema

Ok, so I'm possibly not the most positive person in the world, and yes it has been said that at times i get a little over the top with the negativity towards the seemingly negligible issues i stumble upon. But this current irritation of mine has now become such a major thing about which i whinge that i felt compelled to write a letter to the offending parties. However, before i take the leap from moaning pessimist to complaining areshole i felt i should check with all who care (and the majority that don't) as to whether you believe my quarrel is just and that it deserves the stampage (currently an astronomical 30p, but that's for another day!) required to deliver it to it's intended recipient! So here you go:

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Dear Sir/Madam,

My name is Ian Robinson, I'm 20 years old and working in a local building society (not a bank... there are subtle differences, even if I'm still looking for them myself!) I like to attend your visual entertainment emporium on an irregular basis whenever i spy a video film which takes my fancy.

The question i pose to your good self on this fine day is thus, under which category in your "Something for Everyone" campaign does a simple 9-5 guy like my good self fit into?

To elaborate, just in case the focus and nature of the campaign has slipped your mind, being so busy and all. You promise to have something for "everyone" and the categories you assume "everyone" could slot into somewhere or other are: Senior, Kids, Newbies, and Director's Chair.
But where, i ask you, does the humble working man fit in?

Unfortunately i pay full bus fair and therefore am not a "Mature Guest" as your website describes the Seniors section. I would however appreciate the free tea and coffee on offer to these most privileged of persons, but as the showings are mid-morning i would be unable to make a caffeine pilgrimage in the middle of a working day!

The Newbies and Kids sections aren't overly relevant either unless i was able to commandeer some young person to pass off as my child. The aforementioned Kids promotion doesn't mention any specific ages, so i was wondering if i was to bring along a decidedly slow friend of mine with a dangerously low mental age could we partake in the "frolics and fun at pocket money prices"?

So the last glimpse of something i could take from this campaign of yours is the Director's Chair showings, but unless watching Anchorman and Old School over and over again makes me a "true film fanatic" then I'm not going to be feeling any vibe from your selection of art-house, independent, and foreign language cinematography!

And back to my original question, what does a fine establishment like yours offer to people like me under your outrageous claim to be able to offer "Something for Everyone"?

On behalf of all in my position (and i know of at least 3 others like me!) i excitedly await your response.

Kind Regards,

Ian Robinson Esq.

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